The King of Mangoes – Slacker Paradise

I didn’t have a mango until I was a teenager and when I did, it blew my mind.

But there’s lots of different kinds of mango and they range from crappy to godly. And if you’re like me, you’ve probably never had the really good ones. Here’s a hint. All the best ones are in Asia. And of all those mango varieties native to tropical Asia stands one above all else:

The Alphonso Mango. *vine boom*

All caps, "Indians hate this one weird trick". The image is of the two pointing soyjack meme and in the background is an alphonso mango. — Alphonso mangoes are not really a secret I just wanted to make this meme

Alphonso mangoes are a staple of India, the only country where these are grown. They eat the fruit by itself, but they also cook it into chutneys, curries, desserts, and mango lassi.

The Best vs. The Rest

To understand what is so ball-achingly good about this mango, you need to understand what a “normal” mango is like.

A Kent mango (looks basically the same unripe or ripened) — Exhibit A: a Kent mango (mid)

Let me present Exhibit A: the lowly “Kent” mango, as pictured above. Grown in Mexico, extremely common to find in California. They are red-green and very hard for a long time until they are ripe.

Kent Mango Pros

Hard until ripe; does not bruise easily
Easy to ship and longer shelf life
Better than eating literal dirt

Kent Mango Cons

Shit tier mango; only better than Bella mangoes, the worst mango (a scam mango made to trick white women)
Mildly sweet flavor does not compare to THE KING
Gets stringy and watery when overripe

So, in summary, the Kent mango kind of sucks. But if this is the only mango you can get your hands on, you can try it to get an idea of how much better a mango could be.

A ripe Ataulfo mango (left) next to a ripe Alphonso mango (right) — Exhibit B: Ataulfo/honey mango (left) and Alphonso mango (right)

The next contender is something called the Ataulfo (or honey) mango. You can get these at Costco or per piece at the grocery store, but it’ll cost you. And there is a reason for it, because I think this is the best mango you can get that grows in the western world.

Ataulfo Mango Pros

Soft, juicy flesh; like pudding
Very sweet, potentially super tart with great mango flavor
Looks conceptually more like a pro mango, being yellow and shaped like that

Ataulfo Mango Cons

Expensive af
Is great but not next level. Like that kid in school who studies really hard but still doesn’t do well as the genius kid who doesn’t give a shit
Also loses flavor and gets stringy when overripe, but not as bad as Kent mangoes

The soft flesh of a ripe Ataulfo mango. Pure yellow in color and pudding soft. — The juicy yellow flesh of a ripe Ataulfo mango

I’ve been enjoying these a lot lately to fill in the early spring gap between Cara Cara orange season and watermelon/strawberry season. I get them from Costco but it’s still doing a number on my wallet.

Ataulfo mangoes taste great. I thought that things couldn’t get better than this. The legendary reputation of mangoes was because of how soft and sweet they could be. They have the classic mango taste.

But I was wrong.

The Magnus Carlsen of Mangoes

Alphonso mango cut open to reveal the inner pulp. — An Alphonso Mango cut open. What is no apparent in the photo is that the pulp can be so richly orange in color.

The Alphonso mango was so incredibly soft, like a water balloon. I went to a couple Indian grocery markets and saw that they sell boxes of these mangos for $60. Yep. This is because they go bad really fast, so they have to air ship these things 2nd day air to get here on time. I found one place that sells them individually for $7 a pop.

This mango hit different. The volatility of this mango is evident. You can smell it from across the room. They are quite fragrant, yet not sweet, belying the actual taste of its pulp.

Alphonso Mango Pros

Transcendent taste; it redefines the meaning of mango flavor
God tier texture and softness
Does not get watery or stringy when overripe. In fact, this will taste amazing right up until it decomposes into a pile of literal garbage

Alphonso Mango Cons

Optimally eaten in India; expensive otherwise, and still not as good if they don’t ripen on the tree
So expensive you will second guess eating the best mango that has ever existed
Bruises easily and spoils very quickly

Close up of the pulp of the Alphonso mango. — The soft pulp of the Alphonso mango is golden yellow, almost orange, immaculately soft and not stringy at all.

I cut the mango open and saw how deeply orange the pulp was, like a free range egg yolk. The color of 24 karat gold instead of the mere yellow of the Ataulfo mango. The flavor is completely unique. Instead of the sweet, tart mango taste you would expect, the Alphonso mango tastes like a mango that has been blended with cream and coconut milk. Incroyable!

Should mangoes taste and look a certain way? Fuck no, not to the Alphonso mango. This is the Magnus Carlsen of mangoes. It stands head and shoulders above the rest and started making shit up out of boredom. This mango changes the whole game.

Not gonna lie, I’m considering planning a trip to India, or barring that then to Thailand, Malaysia, or Singapore and just going on a food adventure to eat lots of mangoes. Did a fruit just mind control me into flying to the other side of the planet??? Probably, I dunno, but I do know that I now have a new item to add to my bucket list.